Episode 1.8: I Robot, You Jane

Hey guys, have we done a robot yet?  No?  Alrighty then! ¹

Episode Summary in Five Sentences or Less

Ancient demon Moloch the Corruptor ⁴ is set loose in the computer system when the book in which he is imprisoned ⁵ is scanned into the library's online archives. ⁷  Being a Corrupter and all, he seduces various students online into doing his bidding, including Willow. ⁸  Some computer nerd types try to off Buffy when she gets too close to uncovering Moloch's evil plan, ⁹ but one of them gets cold feet and warns her just in time.  New teaching addition and "Techno-Pagan" ¹⁰ Miss Calendar jolts Giles into grasping the enormity of the situation, and they jointly entrap the demon in his newly-constructed robot body.  Buffy quickly dispatches same by getting the non-insulated robot body to punch into a fuse box, resulting in electricity shorting out said robotics…explosively. ¹¹   

A Random Number of Overarching Thoughts And Witless Observations of Varying Length ¹²

(1) So, what line were you waiting on?

It actually takes a significant number of interactions between characters for everyone to understand that Willow has only talked to her new beau via the internet and has not met him in person.  This is presented as a novel and unexpected way to have met someone and certainly bizarre that the conversations have been limited to that type of contact.  How quickly things change. ¹³

(2)  This does not fit the Slayer profile

When The Corruptor scans Buffy's permanent record, it's revealed that she has a 2.8 GPA, which is low for someone of her obvious intelligence, but believable in that she's presented as more "street smart" than "book smart."  But what is really jarring is the 1 absence.  One???  Haven't we seen her sneak out of school more times than that?  And no sick days?

(3)  Support staff can be so inconsistent

One the one hand, whoever is wardrobing the Buffster this episode is rocking it hard – Jackie O sunglasses with a nice trench when she is spying on a Moloch-influenced student, nice snow-leopard coat later.  Just a really nice job.  But the guy who wrote the music ¹⁴ – bleeeeugrrrrghhhh.  Some of the most worthless dreck I've heard in quite some time.  It's not a good sign when I notice the background incidental music.

(4) You need to get out more

Geez, Buff, never go into the empty running shower room in the dark, deserted locker room!!  Have you never seen a horror movie?

(5)  Know your audience

Moloch, buddy, for a demon whose whole *thing* is getting people to trust and love you so that they will do your bidding, you really should've considered a somewhat less imposing and, um, demon-looking robot body.

(6) See, looks *are* important!

After giving Buffy a big long speech about how it's what is inside that counts, Willow ultimately spurns Moloch only after meeting him and seeing his hideous robot body (see above). Tsk, how very shallow.

Episode Eight Sunnydale Power Rankings

 1.  Buffy Summers (Last Week: 1; Trending: Steady)

Recovering quickly from last episode's heartbreak, our heroine is back in the swing of things, enjoying life and rocking the pretty outfits.  And for the 8,427^th consecutive time, it's The Slayer who realizes that everything isn't, in fact, all right.  And even when he Mad Slayer Skillz are insufficient against Moloch The Huge Foreboding Robot, she uses her wits to destroy the menace.

 2. Miss Calendar  (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Way, Way, Way Up)

Not since The Anointed One ¹⁶ has a new character had such an immediate impact!  Not only is Miss Calendar hip to the raging demons all around us, she seems to have both greater familiarity with Moloch in particular, and is considerably more instrumental in figuring out how to apply the ancient rite to him. ¹⁷

  3. The Anointed One (Last Week: 3; Trending: Stable)

Oh man, I am so jazzed to see what he must be up to!  Even without appearing in this episode, I'm just sure that The Anointed One must really be crafting an insidious plan behind the scenes!  That Slayer won't ever know what hit her, eh kid?  Whoooooo-hooo!

  4.  Angel (Last Week: 2; Trending: Down)

Sure, he may be an undead unholy minion of Satan….but what a hottie!  Even when he's not around, Buffy can't keep her mind off of him....and their ultimately doomed love.

5.  Soul-Crushing Despair (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Up, Crushingly)

Buffy has a date with a dude who turns out to be a thrill-seeking loser.  Xander's crush is actually a giant insect that wants to eat his head.  Willow is seduced by an ancient demon that becomes a robot.  Love is doomed, people.  Best not to expect otherwise.

Dropping Off: 

Cordelia Chase (who?  I wonder how much she was ever intended to be more than incidental)

The Master (for a Big Bad, you would think he would be on the show more often)

Never Considered:

Willow Rosenberg (just sad)

Rupert Giles (at least he's starting to believe his Slayer when she thinks something is off, but it's still his negligence that led to the problem in the first place and Miss Calendar who really saves the day) 

Xander Harris (back to being the team mascot)

Willow Rosenberg Fashion Update

After getting ready to gouge my eyes out when she starts with Sweater-Shirt #806 in the opening scenes, she actually perks up some with a tolerable floral print when she thinks that Moloch is just a nice boy that is interested in her.  While it's sad that that constitutes room for optimism, it is at least a step in the right direction.  Now….consider something radical. Maybe jeans and a T-shirt?

And Now, A Word From Our Big Bad

Oh, you think we're just sitting around, waiting for that accursed Slayer to try to foil our nefarious plans.  But no.  Just you wait.  This Hellmouth is going to open, and when it does….oh, when it does….

Totally Subjective Biaxial Entertainingness Scatterplot

     

Definitely a "meh" episode.  The only thing that is particularly good that happens is the introduction of Miss Calendar.  On the other hand, Willow's spirit is crushed just a little bit more, Moloch is largely incompetent despite the amazing resources at his disposal, ¹⁸ Giles continues to be ineffectual, Xander regresses into comic relief, and even Buffy falls into some pretty terrible clichés.  While nothing too abysmal happens – certainly no She-Mantises or anything – there isn’t much to recommend this ep.  The ending (see Quote 1 below) does move it up on the Lame/Awesome access though.

Top Ten Episode Quotes

10.        Xander: "You're going to miss out!  I'm going to be witty!  I'm planning on making fun of all the people who won't talk to me."

9.         Buffy:    "What if things get really intense, and then you find out that he…has a hairy back!"

            Willow:  "What?  No!  He….he doesn't talk like somebody who would have a hairy back."
                       

8.         Buffy (after narrowly escaping electrocution): "Tell me the truth.  How is my hair?"

            Xander: "….it's….your best hair ever!"

7.         Xander (after imparting knowledge): "What, I can't have information sometimes?"

            Giles:    "…it's just….somewhat unprecedented."

6.         Fritz:     "The printed page is obsolete!  Information isn't bound up anymore!  It's an entity!  The only reality is virtual!  If you're not jacked in, you're not alive." ¹⁹

            Miss Calendar:  "Thank you, Fritz…for making us all sound like crazy people."

5.         Miss Calendar:  "I know our ways are strange to you, but soon you will join us in the 20^th Century…with three whole years to spare!"

4.         Giles:    "Couldn't you just stop Moloch by…entering some computer virus?"

            Miss Calendar:  "You've seen way too many movies."

3.         Moloch: "Right now a man in Beijing is transferring money for a contract on his mother's life.  Good for him."

2.         Miss Calendar:  "Here again?  You kids really like the library, don't you?"

            Buffy:    "We're literary!"

            Xander: "To read makes our speaking English good."

            Buffy:    "We'll be going now."

1.         Buffy:  "Let's face it, none of us are ever going to have a happy normal relationship."

            Xander:  "Yeah!  We're doomed!"

            <Laughter>

            <Prolonged Silence>

Up Next:  Episode 1.9: The Puppet Show.  More MoW, I think.  But IIRC, the Puppet is actually pretty cool here.  Maybe that's wishful thinking.  Posting anticipated…..well, let's just leave it at that.  Posting is anticipated.

______________________________

1  And we continue the X-Files Pattern with a MoW episode.  I do not remember it being this back-and-forth.  Maybe because the plot ones are just better, maybe because they stopped doing so many MoW episodes after this season. ²

2  Golly I hope it's option #2.  These MoW eps have not been particularly good. ³

3  Yes, this means that there may actually be something to papafunk's theory that the show started slow.  Grumble, mutter.  I still say that the business with The Master generally holds up, but it doesn't help that he's not even featured in half of the eps.

4 Now there's a name that a demon can be proud of!

5  More evidence of Giles's rank incompetence.  Hey, I just got a shipment of rare antique books about demons and the like!  Including this one ancient bound one with a hideous demon face on the cover!  I guess I'll just hand them over to these student volunteers and get them scanned in without checking them for anything dangerous.  Not like anything bad could ever come of it! ⁶

6 Of course, it's not like there is a special library caged area for particularly dangerous books or ones that haven't been cleared yet or anything.

7  Say what?  A high school in the late '90s is scanning the contents of books into an online archive?  Is that even legal?  Isn't Google being sued over that or something today? Exactly how progressive was the tech of Sunnydale High?

8  Okay, well, technically Willow never actually does his bidding.  In fact, he never really bids her to do anything.  Hrmmm.  Odd.  There is definitely some kinda romantic seduction thing going on though.

9  "Plan" may be going a bit far, really.  He's having a robot body built.  I mean, okay, it looks spooky and all, but it’s not like if he's left alone for a couple days then he can prepare the secret incantations and open The Hellmouth.  He's just having some minions build some stuff.

10  Seriously, Joss?  "Techno-Pagan"???

11  Yet another demon dispatched by shoddy insulation.

12  Still trying to figure out what to do with this section, obviously.

13  Although it could be said that the show was just being a bit slow here.  I can quickly think of one friend who more or less contemporaneously met someone online that evolved into a rather significant relationship.

14  In fact, it's so bad that I'm going to call him out by name 12 years later on my personal blog that is read by no less than five people.  So there, Walter Murphy!  You suck!  YOU! SUCK! ¹⁵

15  On further review, it appears that Mr. Murphy may already have been punished by the cosmos by being relegated to working exclusively on Seth MacFarlane shows.  *shudder*

16  Ha ha.  Yes.  Well.

17  By, you know, typing it into the nearest computer.  Man, the connectivity back then was awesome.

18  Seriously, why not just convince a bunch of bankers to transfer billions into a secret account, buy an island, then rule the world via the net?

19  Fritz, perhaps due to his name, is awfully angry for a kid who apparently volunteered to scan library books into the computer system.

Episode 1.7: Angel

Oh, right, there are vampires in this show! ¹

.

Episode Summary in Five Sentences or Less ³

Angel so totally saves Buffy from an attack by The Three ⁴ and then they share a moment in Buffy's room, ⁶ but as they mack on each other, something happens….and Angel vamps out!  Buffy spends most of the episode freaking over her new love also being her immortal enemy, while Xander presses for a nice timely staking.  Darla tries to take advantage of the situation by framing Angel for biting Buffy's mom and trying to arrange it so that he and the Buffster have a showdown where he will kill her and rejoin The Master.  When that doesn't quite work out as planned, Darla decides to take care of The Slayer her own damn self, but ends up staked….by Angel!  While the exact status of the relationship is not fully resolved by the end of the episode, ⁹ we can definitely see where this is going.

A Random Number of Overarching Thoughts ¹⁰

(1) Wait a second, we're following the rules now?

Buffy and Angel escape from The Three by running into Buffy's house, where Angel explains that The Three cannot follow because they haven't been invited in.  It seems like this is the sort of thing that any halfway-competent Watcher might have explained by now if it actually works, eh?  So what about the other folklore?  Can they cross running water?  Do mirrors reflect their soulless images?  Shouldn't there be a helpful "So, You're The Slayer" pamphlet with these kinds of basics in it?  Now a vampire has to tell her that her home is a safe haven?

(2)  Again with the subtle underlying messages

If you sneak a cute guy up to your room for overnight shenanigans, he's liable to turn into a total animal / monster!  Boooga!  Boooga! 

(3)  We need more forward-thinking vampires

When Darla decides that she just has to take care of Buffy herself, she doesn't initiate the standard hand-to-hand combat or pull out a mace or some other medieval crap.  Nope, it's the late 20^th Century, and she rocks the handguns John Woo style.  As one might expect, the guns are considerably more effective in keeping the humans on the run and preventing The Slayer from closing to staking range.  If she had just paid more attention to the possibility of Angel turning on her completely, she might have won the encounter. ¹²

(4)  This is getting complicated

This episode is the first one to really dive fully into the intricacies of the twisted interpersonal relationships between the main characters.  Up 'til now, we've had horny Xander lusting after everyone (and particularly Buffy), and Willow sighing over Xander, and even Buffy liking the cute Owen, ¹³ but none of the complicated, tortured, soul-crushing fun that became a calling card of the show.  As Darla points out, Angel loving Buffy is arguably sick and disturbed, as her very purpose is the eradication of his entire species.

Episode Seven Sunnydale Power Rankings

 1.  Buffy Summers (Last Week: 1; Trending: Steady)

Though she falters just a bit when she succumbs to her impulses regarding her boy-toy only to find out that he is her mortal enemy, she recovers to beat the bad guys and save the relationship all at the same time.  And she trusts her instincts enough to not fall for Darla's frame-up.

 2. Angel  (Last Week: 4; Trending: Way Up)

He gets the girl, stakes the villain – his own sire! – and now we know that he's not just the bringer of scary tidings but also a badass in his own right, capable of holding his own in a fight.  And he's a "total gentleman."  Hands off, ladies, this one belongs to The Slayer!

  3. The Anointed One (Last Week: 5; Trending: Up)

Not only is he sure to have incredibly powerful mojo, being The Anointed One and all, but he cheers up a dejected Master with a jaunty little pep talk. ¹⁴  Sometimes the youngest ones are also the wisest!  And so cute!

  4.  The Master (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Up)

Finally bothered to pay attention to The Slayer again, he deploys some of his key assets after her.  Of course, they all get staked, but he picks himself up, brushes himself off, and gets ready to take on the world again.  Nothing keeps him down for long!

  5.  Cordelia Chase (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Steady)

Still not much for our caustic princess to do, but at least she gets a few jabs in at her favorite punching bags and does nothing to embarrass herself, unlike much of the rest of the gang.  Not much sign yet that Cordy is going to be anything other than occasional comic relief and evidence that high school has mean chicks in it.

Dropping Off: 

Evil Hyena Spirits (maybe they did get shipped back to Africa after all)

Xander Harris (spent the entire episode whining about how his romantic rival should be staked)

Never Considered:

Darla (would've ranked extremely high for the Catholic school girl uniform ¹⁵ and innovating Slayer-attacking techniques but for, you know, being staked and all)

Willow Rosenberg (where is the badass spunky Willow that I remember?)

Rupert Giles (still more or less devoid of value; good on some research once Buffy lets him know that there is a problem, but no help at all in dealing with it)

The Three (geez, guys, you couldn't even hang out for about 3 minutes and capture Joyce or something before giving up?)

Willow Rosenberg Fashion Update

Fine.  I give up.  I guess Joss had some kind of special deal with a sweater-shirt company or something.  Should I be happy that at least she's wearing one that's a solid color instead of dumb-ass stripes and flowers and such?  I don't know.  I'm just depressed.  What stage of grief is that again? 

  

And Now, A Word From Our Big Bad

Oh Darla.  Darla, Darla, Darla.  I give you a little leeway, let you show a little initiative, and you go and get yourself staked.  So very, very disappointing.  This Slayer is just not fun anymore.  I'm tired of her now.  Hrpmh.

Totally Subjective Biaxial Entertainingness Scatterplot

     

Lots of quality stuff happening this week – the Buffy / Angel relationship obviously being at the center of most of them.  Happily, the episode actually confronts the big scary issues involved instead of just going for a "chicks dig the bad boy" angle.  Lots of little things ring true as well – The Slayer's natural ability should allow her to wipe the floor with her Watcher during a spar, no matter how much training or practice he's had.  Darla makes a stunningly smart choice to employ firearms, and her plan to get Angel back into the fold might have worked if a lesser Slayer had been involved. 

Even with all of that, though, the episode was a little light on the awesome.  Darla's outfit and double-handgun action definitely qualified, but Buffy and Angel teaming up for the first time….to run from The Three.  That was weak.

Top Ten Episode Quotes

10.        Xander (to Cordelia): "I don't know what everyone's talking about – that outfit doesn't make you look like a hooker."

9.         Angel:   "I fed on a girl about your age.  Beautiful.  Dumb as Dumb as a post." ¹⁶

8.         Buffy: "Angel?  I'd love to see him in a relationship.  'Hi honey, you're in grave danger, see you next month.'"

7.         Buffy: "For us to have a conversation about a guy, there would have to be a guy for us to have a conversation about."

6.         Xander: "Guys will do anything to impress a girl.  I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath!"

            Willow:  "It was pretty impressive … although later there was an ick factor."

5.         Willow:  "So he is a good vampire!  I mean, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being someone who's killing and maiming every night and 1 being someone who's….not….."

4.         Buffy:  "If you want Xander, you're gonna have to speak up, girl!"

            Willow:  "No no no.  No speaking up.  That way leads to madness and sweaty palms."

3.         Xander: "Ahhh, the post-fumigation party."

            Buffy:  "What's the difference between this and the pre-fumigation party?"

            Xander:  "Much hardier cockroaches."

2.         The Master:  "Angel.  He was the most vicious creature I ever met.  I miss him."

1.         The Anointed One:  "You will spare them?"

            The Master:  "I am weary.  And their deaths will bring me little joy."

            Darla:  <stakes The Three>

            The Master:  "Of course, sometimes a little is enough."

Up Next:  Episode 1.8: I Robot, You Jane.  Uh-oh.  I only vaguely remember this, but I think that's mostly because I've blocked it.  Posting Anticipated….uh, next week sometime?

______________________________

1  Among the things that I am surprised about in re-watching the show, the number of Monster of the Week episodes is truly stunning.  Fully half of the eps prior to this one didn't involve vampires at all, and that's including the 2-part premiere, which was obviously fang-centric.  I wonder if the show was originally going to be more X-Files in this regard ² and they just evolved into more vamps or if they just had all these crazy ideas they wanted to get out there and then started following the plots once that was done.

2  As in, half the eps are major story-arc and the other half are one-off MoWs.

3  I just have to note that iTunes is totally creeping me out.  Just as I started to write this section, it picks the Buffy Theme by Nerf Herder.  And now it's doing "I've Got a Theory" from the musical episode.  Aieeeeeeeee.

4  Yet another in the already-long line of "Yeah, these guys are tough!  Whoo!" bad-guy vamps that turn out to be pretty lame wusses that are quickly and easily disposed of. ⁵

5  Although in this case they actually do pretty well against Buffy until Angel shows up and then they actually have the two of them on the run for a while.  As a reward for their relative effectiveness, The Master has them staked by Darla.  Seems like quite the waste of resources, although I suppose that he can always make more.  And, as mentioned, there is seemingly no end to the supply of "This guy was an unstoppable killing force for the last 300 years!" type of vamps that can be put into play.

6  In an incredibly impressive bit of parenting, ⁷ Mom sees that Buffy has an older ⁸ boy hidden away in the house that she is trying to keep secret and decides that her teenage daughter should be left alone downstairs with him while Mom goes into her room and shuts her door.  And then never checks in on Buffy during the night, since Angel was sleeping on the floor and all.  Good job, Joyce.

7  Sarcasm alert!

8  If only she know how much older?  Am I right?

9  There is a nice moment after the typical "We can't do this, smooch smooch" where Angel looks uncomfortable, which Buffy takes for a "I know, this is going to be complicated, but so totally worth it."  In fact, the problem was that his skin was burning whilst they were making out from contact with the cross that she wears around her neck. Awwwwwwwwww.

10  So, is this part of the review actually working for people?  It seems like the least interesting to write at least.  What do people like (if anything)?  Any thoughts, ideas, gripes, random insults?  The Scatterplot definitely seemed like a hit, ¹¹ and I've received positive feedback on the power rankings.  Anything else notably interesting or not?

11  All of my best ideas are blatantly stolen from other people.

12  It also might have been an idea to wear a breastplate or something.  I know that if I was an immortal monster with one weakness, I would darn well be sure to fortify that as much as possible.  You want to plunge that arrow into my chest?  Good luck getting it through my Kevlar-reinforced steel plating!

13  Although she liked him more for what he represented – a normal life as a normal teenager that does things like go on dates – than for himself.  Which, given that he was a total thrill-seeking tool, is no more than he deserved.

14  Essentially: "Don't worry about it, you'll kill them all soon enough and then it will all be ok."

15  Very, very, VERY disappointed that google image search could not come up with a picture of Darla in this outfit.  Mee-OW!

16  Got to love that, even in the middle of probably the most serious conversation to date on the show, they can drop in a quick little line.

Episode 1.6: The Pack

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! ¹

Episode Summary in Five Sentences or Less

The ever-present ⁴ popular gang of jerks at Sunnydale High gets possessed by a vicious killer hyena spirit, ⁵ and Xander is possessed as well because he's in the wrong place at the wrong time trying to protect a hapless moron from the gang's shenanigans.  The Gang of Jerks ⁸ (plus Xander) proceeds to devour first a perfectly good piglet mascot and subsequently (minus Xander) a somewhat satisfactory school principal.  Buffy eventually figures out what's going on, despite Giles's reluctance to believe, and subdues Xander after he insults the heck out of Poor Innocent Willow ⁹ and attempts felony sexual assault on the Buffster.  The whole thing is eventually revealed to have been a misfire of the evil ¹⁰ plan of the skeezy zookeeper dude, Xander rescues Willow from peril, the GoJ is restored to their normal level of jerkiness, and all is well again with the world. ¹¹

Three Overarching Thoughts

(1) See, "The Pack" is just like the popular crowd at any school, and so…

Yeah, I had this whole thing worked up to spot the parallels between losing your identity in the quest to join the popular crowd and losing your identity to an evil hyena spirit….but, I mean, come on.  It doesn't get much more obvious than this.  Thank goodness that most of these kinds of plotlines going forward are considerably more subtle.  I mean, it wasn't like a Northern Exposure Saturation Issue ¹² or anything, but it was kind of apparent exactly what was going on here as soon as we saw the title.

(2)  I think you may not be doing this "Watcher" thing right

For the seventy-third consecutive time, it's Buffy that figures out that something is really, truly wrong and it's not just than Xander is being extra-horny this week. ¹³  I know that it's good to encourage one's Slayer to develop her own instincts and deductive powers, but shouldn't a Watcher really be paying enough freaking attention to see when some bad-ass Mystical Shit ¹⁴ is going on in his own back yard.

(3)  How to Survive in Sunnydale, Part VII

If you are any kind of authority figure that is not directly involved in Watching or Slaying, whatever you do, don't be kind, thoughtful, or sensitive to Buffy Summers.  First the science teacher that believes in her gets beheaded by a She-Mantis, and now the Principal that is kind to her for the first time is devoured by the GoJ.  Seriously, the girl is trouble.  Whatever you do, don't throw her a line.

Episode Six Sunnydale Power Rankings

 1.  Buffy Summers (Last Week: 1; Trending: Slightly Up)

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy!  Once again, our girl not only solves the problem and saves the day, but is the one to suss out that the day needs saving in the first place.  Without her, who knows who or what Xander would've eaten next!  You go, girl!

 2.  Xander Harris (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Way Up)

Though he spent most of the ep as a pseudo-hyena, Xander finally manned up, saving Willow from serious danger the moment he is de-hyena'd and coming up with the plausible lost-my-memory cover story for not having to confront his pals about his prior actions.

  3.  Evil Hyena Spirits (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Way Up)

Sure, they didn't get to maintain possession of the GoJ, but hey, they got to cause the devouring of a mascot and principal, which is definitely going to go on the students' permanent records.  And they got a tasty zookeeper snack at the end of the episode, with no negative consequences at all!  For all we know, they're still chilling at the Sunnydale Zoo, just waiting for another act of aggression in front of them…

 4. Angel  (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Slight Up)

Failing to appear in an episode is not normally a good way to move up the rankings, but reflected glory elevates The Mysterious Lurker up the list, as Buffy notes that he's, like, super-dreamy 'n' stuff.  He also manages to avoid being eaten or humiliated by the GoJ or a whacked-out zookeeper, so that's a plus.

  5. The Anointed One (Last Week: 3; Trending: Down)

Another non-entity this week, but I'll bet he's just behind the scene, planning, waiting, ready to strike!  After all, he's The Anointed One, right?  He must be bad-ass!

Dropping Off: 

The Master (plotting how best to deploy The Anointed One, no doubt!)

Rupert Giles (not coming back on the list until he listens to Buffy for once)

We, The Audience (I mean, hey, it's still a hell of a show, but this conceit only works once in a while)

Never Considered:

Principal Flutie (how did someone that bumbling survive this long in the Hellmouth anyway?)

Willow Rosenberg (siiiiiiiiiigh)

Willow Rosenberg Fashion Update

Okay, look, I know I've mentioned this a couple times, but you're obviously not hearing me.  Stop.  It.  With.  The.  Sweater-Shirts.  Just stop.  You are not 12.  For the love of god, the best look you've had all season has been the gym uniform for the big dodgeball scene.  I'm about to devise a method of time travel just so I can go back and stage an intervention.

  

And Now, A Word From Our Big Bad

What?  I'm on?  Oh for…..  Look, I'm busy, okay?  There's more to being The Master than just sending troops out to attack your precious Slayer every week.  I have responsibilities here.  Just….just….come back next week.

Totally Subjective Biaxial Entertainingness Scatterplot

 Borrowed ¹⁵ from 

jearl's devastatingly awesome Netflix Arranger ¹⁶ reviews.  The Scatterplot is devastating in both its simplicity and subjectivity.  All BtVS episodes are graded on a scale, since otherwise there would be a heavy cluster of points in the upper right.

      

Thus, this Episode (1.6) wasn't particularly "Good," as it featured pretty pitiful hyena effects, a please-make-it-stop theme, Giles still not listening, and the total absence of the season's Big Bad.  Yet it was nevertheless kind of awesome, with the whole eating-the-principal business, Xander's psych-out at the end, and the mascot-eyes-view scene of the piglet running through the school, not to mention some badass dodgeball.  The lone blip in the bottom left is, of course, the She-Mantis.  Hard to believe that anything will rate that far over in "Bad" territory again, although there is, amazingly, plenty of room left for more Lame episodes.

Top Ten Episode Quotes

10.        Buffy: "This is definitely the superior Xander.  Accept no substitutes."

9.         Xander: "Sorry I'm late, I just…forgot we were going to be here."
                     

8.         Principal Flutie: "What are you doing?"

            Kyle:  "Nothing."

            Principal Flutie:  "Did I ask you to speak?  Okay, I guess I did."

7.         Coach: "Alright.  It's raining.  All regular gym classes have been postponed.  You know what that means: dodgeball.  For those of you who may have forgotten, the rules are as follows:  You dodge."

6.         Buffy: "It's safe to say that in his animal state, his idea of wooing doesn't involve a Yanni CD ¹⁸ and a bottle of Chianti."

5.         Xander:  "You missed it!  We saw the zebras mating!"

            Willow:  "It was like the Heimlich….with stripes!"

            Buffy:  "I missed it.  And somehow I will find the courage to live on."

4.         Xander:  <sniffs Buffy>

            Buffy:  "Okay, now what?"

            Xander:  "You took a bath."

            Buffy:  "…yeah.  I often do,  I'm actually known for it."

            Xander:  "That's okay."

3.         Giles: "Testosterone is the great equalizer.  It turns all men into morons."

2.         Giles:  "I've been reading up on my animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards."

            Xander:  "Did you tell them that?"

            Giles:  "Your secret dies with me."

            Xander:  "Shoot me, stuff me, mount me." ¹⁹

1.         Giles:  "Xander has taken to teasing the less fortunate?"

            Buffy:  "Uh-huh."

            Giles:  "And there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?"

            Buffy:  "Yes!"

            Giles:  "And otherwise all of his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles?" ²⁰

            Buffy:  "It's bad, isn't it?"

            Giles:  "It's devastating.  He's turned into a 16-year-old boy.  Of course, you'll have to kill him."

Up Next:  Episode 1.7: Angel.  Posting Anticipated….oh, who am I kidding.

______________________________

1  By popular demand!  From the, um, scores ² of people who clamored for more!

2  Would you believe several people? Well, ok, how about one, ³ plus a couple of my alternate personalities?

3  No, really, someone said they wanted more!  Someone not even related to me!  I won't rat him/her out to protect him/her from the presumed retaliation from the rest of you.

4  Not that we've ever seen or heard of them before, of course.  Maybe they were out sick for the prior few weeks?  Or on double-secret probation?

5  Apparently, hyenas are considerably more dangerous than I ever expected.  Sure, they're the well-known jerks of the animal world, but here not only does the spirit create semi-super-strong ⁶ possessees but a small pack even devours a presumably healthy adult human without any trouble.  I mean, geez.

6  Stronger than average, certainly.  They do rip down the library cage ⁷ after all, and Xander manages to actually engage Buffy without getting immediately battered.

7  And really, how great is it to have a show that has an oft-used lockable library cage?

8  Or, for ease of reference and because none of them have individual identities in any meaningful way anyway, the "GoJ."

9  Golly am I sick of meek little wide-eyed innocent Willow.  Bring on Season 3.

10  It's actually unclear just how evil the plan is.  I mean, sure, he's more than willing to murder our heroes to get the ceremony to go for him at the end of the episode, but he was really just trying to get mad hyena powers for himself.  Of course, given that The Pack lost their own identities and wills to the new hyena selves, it definitely seems like a stupid plan, but I'm not necessarily sure it was evil per se.

11  It is not revealed what the consequences are of devouring a principal.  I suppose that they could have just said nothing and let the "attacked by a pack of dogs" story try to stand up.  Of course, I would bet money that we will never again see a member of the GoJ, so maybe we should just assume robust counseling and a nice good expulsion.

12  When a perfectly good show gets so obsessed with making ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY CERTAIN that every single viewer, those viewers friends and family, random passer-by, and schizophrenics that pick up the show's wavelength all get the point of the theme that the writers are trying to get across, to the point of making sure that more or less every plot arc, scene, and bit of dialogue tie back into such theme.

13  Not that he could be blamed for assuming the worst about Xander's hormones in light of prior events.

14  Best King Missile album ever.  Ever!

15  And by "borrowed" I of course mean "totally and unilaterally ripped off."  As is my way.

16  Seriously, check them out on her LJ page.  As though anyone who isn't already familiar with them could ever conceivably read this.  But let's maintain the fiction, because it's fun.¹⁷

17  It's fun for me, that's who!  Shut up!

18  A Yanni CD???  If Buffy thinks that wooing involves Yanni, that may finally explain why the incredibly hot new girl isn't getting any action or even attention at Sunnydale High.  I mean, I doubt that Yanni would even find a Yanni CD erotic.  Maybe – maybe – Mrs. Yanni would.

19  Williams Trivia Spring 1997 in the house, ya'll!  Represent!

20  This is beginning to sound an awful lot like Fayerweather 1995-96.