I was dreading this one from the moment I started the project. Let's try to make it through together, shall we?
Episode Summary in Five Sentences or Less
A deadly She-Mantis kills the good science teacher and takes over as the substitute, apparently for the purpose of luring virgin1 boys into her lair so she could mate with them2 to foster further She-Mantis6 generations. Buffy kills it.7
Three Overarching Thoughts
(1) Even great shows have clunker episodes
Thank goodness for the dear departed WB, as having a terrible, terrible piece of dreck like this on the air as the 4th episode in a marginally-rated new series could've been the kiss of death on a real network.
A little hint to those of you who might want to make TV or movies in the future: if the best F/X you can afford are super-cheesy inflexible plastic mantis arms, it's really better to just avoid the F/X entirely.8 The proto-Exorcist 180 degree head-swiveling may have been even worse.
Even Buffy gets into the craptacularness with a Black-Knight-from-Holy-Grail style hacking off of the She-Mantis' limbs.
And need I mention9 the infamous lost thread of the undiscovered mantis eggs hatching at the end of the episode?
Even the dialogue isn't really up to snuff, with far fewer really good one-liners and things like having Miss French give a lengthy over-the-top speech about the awesomeness of mantises as her first action in the classroom. And the incredibly cringe-worthy "how many babes have you scored with" scene with Xander and a couple of jocks.
At least they minimized Angel's screen time while Boreanaz caught up on his acting lessons.
(2) Minor Buffy characters are still more fully realized than most major TV roles
The original science teacher not only has a personality, but has a whole motivational speech for Buffy10 and personality ticks that ring true. The one vampire11 to appear in the episode has a whole back-story about how he cut his hand off for displeasing The Master and then attached a big metal claw thing,12 and did a number on Angel, but Buffy easily defeats him off-screen, kills him with a white picket fence post, and his only real use is as a radar for finding Miss French, since obviously vampires are terrified of She-Mantises.14
(3) Xander is such a horn-dog
I was extremely relieved to find that the opening scene with Xander saving a grateful Buffy was an in-school daydream, and not a shower scene. Lots of talk in this episode about guys' "experience" and lack thereof. For what it's worth, I can confirm that to be standard high-school-level obsessing, but that doesn't make it any less painful to watch.15
Nice to see that the semi-love-triangle of Willow wanting Xander who is crushing on Buffy is still intact though. Even as Xander is getting drugged by the She-Mantis, he drunkenly proclaims his love for our girl.
1. Buffy Summers (Last Week: 1; Trending: Same)More than just a pretty face and unnatural killing prowess, the Buffster's smarts strike again. This time, the magical power of homework leads her to the key discovery that mantis nervous systems are shut down by the sound of bat sonar! 16 Knowledge is power, girlfriend!
2. Cordelia Chase (Last Week: 3; Trending: Slight Up)Nothing's going to bring her down – even finding a frozen dead guy where her yogurt should be won't stop her indomitable spirit! The fright-induced lack of hunger was really just a great diet plan! Always look on the bright side of life.
3. Angel (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Slight Up)One of the few who acquitted himself well this week, Angel managed to up Buffy's fashion profile with a swanky black leather jacket. For once, our heroine wasn't just annoyed with him – fine clothes may be the way to her heart!
4. Rupert Giles (Last Week: 2; Trending: Down)Mr. Giles once again goes after non-traditional information sources, tracking down an old friend in a Scottish insane asylum for precious She-Mantis intel. Marked down for irrelevancy, though, since Buffy had really already figured it all out.
5. The Master (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Same)After a week off for witchcraft, The Master is at least mentioned this time. And by failing to do anything to shame himself or his ancestors, he moves up relative to everyone else in the Buffyverse.
Dropping Off:
Amy Madison (gone but not yet forgotten – Buffy would never just drop a character like they never existed!)17
She-Mantis (about damn time)
Never Considered:
Xander Harris (could he be any more pathetic?)
Willow Rosenberg (what purpose does this little one serve again?)
Top Ten Episode Quotes
9. Giles: "You were right, all along about everything."
<pause>
<pause>
"No, not about your mother coming back as a Pekingese"
7. Willow: "No! Xander – I like his head! It's where you find his eyes and his hair…and his adorable smile."
6. Giles (scowling): "God, every day here is the same."
Buffy: "Right – sunny, beautiful – how ever can we escape this torment?"
5. Principal Flutie: "I'm always here for a hug – but not a real hug! Because this school is sensitive to wrong touching,"
4. Xander: "It's funny how the world never opens up and swallows you when you want it to."
3. Giles: "This computer invasion that Willow is perpetrating on the coroner's office – one assumes that it's entirely legal?"
<pause>
Buffy: "Of course!"
Willow: "Entirely!"
Giles: "Right. Wasn't here, didn't notice, couldn't have stopped you."
2. Willow: "Miss French is kind of large…for a bug."
Giles: "And she is, by and large, woman-shaped."
1. Xander: "Forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's Lavelle, and I would appreciate it if you would guard that secret with your life."
Up Next: Episode 1.5: Never Kill a Boy on the First Date. Posting Anticipated Thursday 10/1 if that works for you. Maybe earlier, so as to purge myself of the bad taste of this monstrosity.
______________________________
1 Why do the boys have to be virgins? Because SHUT UP! That's why.
2 Obviously, the only way that a smoking-hot slightly older woman could ever meet possible virgin boys to mate with is at a high school, where she would theoretically be subject to scrutiny from school officials3 and rules about fraternization and where a mess of boys going missing would raise all kinds of questions.4
3 Although this is Sunnydale, so maybe not. After all, Willow finds that the computer records have Miss French listed as being born in 1907, but there is no problem with the 30ish Miss French showing up and teaching multiple days of science class.
4 For example: I called yesterday about my son going over to his teachers' house last night5 and never coming home – why is that same teacher just going about her teacher business at the school today with nobody asking her any questions or anything?
5 Typical Sunnydale parenting for you – they cared enough to find out that their son was going to Miss French's house, but not enough to ask for the address or, you know, to question whether going to the new substitute's house at night was really such a great idea.
6 Do She-Mantises also have boy offspring? Doesn't seem like a sound biological path to rely on finding human males for fertilization. One has to wonder how this might have evolved. Well, one might wonder if this episode was any damn good at all. But, let's be honest here – we're all just trying to get through this one and get on to 1.5.
7 For some episodes, five sentences really is too long.
8 Unless you're making Sense And Sensibility And Sea Monsters or something. In which case – go, you!
9 It would appear that I do, yes.
10 Definitely a nice touch that the first non-Watcher adult to have any faith in Buffy's abilities is worm food within 2 minutes of his appearance.
11 Non-Angel division, of course. I'm actually finding myself rather looking forward to that reveal. Thanks again, long-term memory loss!
12 Amazing that more vampires don't use weapons. I mean, it's not like they have any natural advantages or built-in weaponry. Heck, a vampire with a big bulky metal claw has to be as scary as a dude with a big machete, right? And that's clearly much more bad-ass than a vampire.13
13 I was extremely disappointed to find out that the writer of this episode went on to write another 7 eps, as well as executive produce a bunch more. Ugh.
14 I mean, how could they not be, right? Man-sized slow-moving bugs with no useable hands that want to bite the heads off of humans. That must be just terrifying to a vampire.
15 Although at least they didn't go with the trope of him trying to convince the jocks that he had bedded Buffy and/or Willow. So there's that.
16 I'm not going to spend more than a couple of seconds googling this, but as an added bonus it appears that this science fact is entirely made-up. Nice.
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