Now THAT, my friends, is an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Daaaaaaamn.
Episode Summary in Five Sentences or Less
The Master instructs his minions to fulfill an ancient vampire prophecy whereby The Anointed One1 will rise and be a powerful weapon against The Slayer.2 Buffy manages to convince Giles (and herself) that it's ok to take a night off and go on a date with a Nice Young Man™ while Giles and, unbeknownst to him, Xander and Willow go check out a lead regarding five recently deceased people. When Giles is attacked, Xander and Willow find Buffy and drag her, with the boy toy following along, to save the day, and she ultimately defeats and destroys the apparent Anointed One. The boy is totally turned on by all the action, but Buffy has to cut him loose because he'd get killed quick3 as he doesn't have the self-preservation instincts of the current gang.4 Oh, and then it turns out that the vamp she killed wasn't actually The Anointed One - oops.
Three Overarching Thoughts
(1) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Boy, I waited at least two days too long before watching and reviewing this episode. As stunningly terrible as Teacher's Pet was, this episode was the counterweight of goodness. Virtually the entire thing was quotable – I could easily expand the quotes section to a Top 20 this week, and that's after I stopped writing down everything but the best ones after I had already filled three pages half-way in.
The characters are all excellent in this one – Buffy gets to be both a badass Slayer and a surprisingly insecure teenager6 We get to see Giles in Full Watcher Mode critiquing Buffy's technique and going into action to chase down a lead on his own. Xander tries valiantly to swim against the tide in getting Buffy to acknowledge him as a potential suitor,8 while she does everything in her power to make an actual real-live date happen. And at the end, when Owen proves himself to just be another schmuck, she mans up and deals with it, showing her judgment and character.9
Even the small moments are great, with a heartfelt talk from Giles about how he had his dreams squashed too when he found out that he was going to be a Watcher.10 Cordelia has a number of good moments losing to Buffy for the affections of both Owen and Angel. And Owen himself, while ultimately a waste of skin, is a very interesting and well-developed character, filling three functions at the same time:
- Brooding cute guy that Buffy finds irresistible12
- A point of view for the audience to see how insane all of the running-around-with-Giles-and-the-gang must seem to a normal person not involved in the madness
- A way to mock the death-is-so-cool cultural stereotype13
Just a great, great episode. Well done, everyone.
(2) Improvements in small but mission-critical tasks could lead to great rewards
If the vampires could just develop a crack team devoted to burning, stealing, or otherwise wiping out all of the collected works of vampire lore and prophecy that have fallen into the hands of the puny humans over the centuries, it would be much much easier for them to rule the planet and usher in a new reign of hell.
Or maybe they could just flood the vampire prophecy marketplace with so many rumors, innuendos, and false leads that the Watchers would be unable to reliably sort the true prophecies from the stuff just put out there to impress the tourists.
Either way, if That Damned Giles14 would ever not just figure out their evil plan ahead of time, you have to think that they would have a much better chance of getting things done.
(3) Nasty Slayers Need Love Too
After quite an extreme focus on Xander's hormones over the last few episodes, it was nice to see a focus on Buffy's love life. While not as concerned about…..urges….as Xander, she definitely shows the boy crazy here. Obviously, much of the episode is concerned with the attempt to have a "normal" life while also being The Slayer,15 she is stammering, heart-aflutter, dreamy-eyed, as well as doing the total "which outfit should I wear, girls?" thing.
Episode Five Sunnydale Power Rankings
1. Buffy Summers (Last Week: 1; Trending: Slight Down)Our heroine just barely retains the top spot in a split decision among the judges. Sure, she offs the vamp and impresses the dreamboat, and how nice to have two hunks fighting for her attention! 16 But it's results that count, and the cold fact is that The Anointed One slipped her grasp and her beau become a bummer. Hopefully things will perk back up next time!
2. The Master (Last Week: 5; Trending: Up)After the new Slayer in town foiled his master plans a few weeks ago and even staked his top lieutenant in the process, The Master needed a win, and he got it! While his vampy minions lack a certain competence, they were sufficient to reel in the big fish and set things up for a showdown later!
3. The Anointed One (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Up)Damien, watch out! This angelic-faced demon is poised to take the underworld by storm and help The Master slay The Slayer and rule Sunnydale, and the world, with his iron fangs. While we don't know the scope of his awesome powers yet, he'll surely be a force to be reckoned with!
4. Rupert Giles (Last Week: 4; Trending: Flat)Rupert's go-getter attitude once again uncovers a key battle site, and his personal charm lets him relate to his charge like a true mentor. While he runs and hides from the face of danger, he still performs his Watcher functions with style and aplomb.
5. We, The Audience (Last Week: Not Ranked; Trending: Way, Way Up)We are privileged to enjoy the greatness that is this episode! After a couple of Monster of the Week plodders, we are rewarded with greatness. Go, us!
Dropping Off:
Angel (cuckolded by a poetry-reading wuss turned worthless adrenaline junky)
Cordelia Chase (losing out on two boys to Buffy, of all people, when she really shouldn't even be lowering herself to compete with her in the first place)
Never Considered:
Willow Rosenberg (one day she'll do something worthwhile, I'm just sure of it)
Owen Thurman (get real)
Extremely mousy. Pigtails. Seriously, Willow
And Now, A Word From Our Big Bad
It's almost a shame that The Slayer couldn't pose a challenge to my drawing The Anointed One into my clutches. I had such high hopes for her! It's been centuries since I had a plaything that was any fun. Oh well, I suppose I'll just have to content myself with draining the life-juices of her and everyone she ever loved when I escape from this ridiculous prison!
Top Ten Episode Quotes
10. Buffy: "Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now. And for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that's away"
9. Willow
8. Giles: "You know what they say – ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is waiting."
7. Giles: "'He will rise from the ashes of The Five on the 1000th day after the advent of Septus."
Buffy: "Well, we'll be ready. Whenever that is."
Giles: "Which is tonight."
Buffy: "Tonight, okay….not okay! It can't be tonight!"
Giles: "My calculations are precise…"
Buffy: "They're bad calculations! Bad!"
6. Owen: "Hey Buffy. Where were you last night?"
Buffy: "Oh. Well….my watch broke…and we don’t have any clocks in our house…so I didn't know what time it was. Or even what day it was."
Owen: "I thought I was the only one that happened to."
5. Buffy: "If the apocalypse comes, beep me."
4. Giles: "All right, well I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the 12th Century, and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show."
Buffy: "At this point you're abusing sarcasm."
3. Buffy: "Which one do you think Owen will like better – the red or the peach?"
Xander: "Oh, you mean for kissing you? And then telling all his friends how easy you are and the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red's fine."
2. Giles: "If your identity as The Slayer is revealed,17 it puts you and all those around you in grave danger."
Buffy: "Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says 'I'm a Slayer – ask me how!'"
1. Giles: "Buffy, when I said you could have a social life and slay vampires, I didn't mean at the same time!"
Up Next: Episode 1.6: The Pack. Posting Anticipated Monday 10/5 or thereabouts.
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1 So now we have a Chosen One, an Anointed One….one wonders when they will run out of titles. What happens if two prophecies both refer to a "Chosen One?" Do they rumble for the title?
2 You know, if there is going to be a whole big important prophecy about some guy who is going to be really helpful against The Slayer, you would think that The Master wouldn't have been quite so cavalier about her in the first two episodes. Maybe he hadn't read up to that point yet in the Big Book of Vampire Prophecies.
3 Also, he's not really into her, he's just into the adrenaline rush. Sad, pathetic little man.
4 Having worse instincts for survival than Xander means he's in pretty bad shape. I figure the reason we never see him again around school is that he quickly fell pray to Cthulhu or a large paper cut, or something off the wandering monster table.5
5 I imagine the table to be something like this:
01-70 - Vampire
71-75 - Newly-turned Vampire
76-80 - Senior Vampire
81 - Insectoid Monster (eg She-Mantis, Radioactive Spider, Them!)
82 - Mummy
83 - Lycanthrope
84 - Witch
85 - Troll
86 - Robot
87 - Mind Flayer
88 - Beast (roll off random encounter table for large creatures)
89 - Fish-Man and/or Man-Bat
90-94 - School Principal (Pick any)
95-99 Random Demon (eg cyber-demon, lounge singer, nightmare creature, song-and-dance man)
00 – Buffy's Dad
6 Okay, all teenagers are insecure, but ye gods, Buffy is cuteness personified with a bod where she routinely wears midriff-bearing tops. Sure, she hangs out with the misfits and she has an aura of strangeness around her, but the boys should be being beaten off7 with sticks.
7 You know what I mean. Don't go there.
8 The poor guy should know that he's doomed when Buffy apparently thinks nothing of getting changed with him in her bedroom – turned away, but still there. She's not letting that happen if you're not one of the girls, dude.
9 Although once again random schmucks, including a vampire who is offed in the same episode he is created and the boy toy that is never seen again, get more character development than poor Willow.
10 Like his father before him, and his father's mother before that. For some reason I don't recall thinking about female watchers. Since all Slayers are rather obviously female, I just figured that Watchers would be male. I'm sure I'm forgetting some big plot point later on, or some female Watcher10 that plays a big role in season 5 or something.
11 No, Wesley does not count as a female Watcher.
12 Still setting her up to totally fall for Angel. Although I do wonder if the original scripts called for Angel to be witty and verbose until they cast Boreanaz and realized that having him talk a lot really wouldn't be a very good idea.
13 If they did this today, the Twilight fans would probably riot.
14 Although it was once again Buffy that established the link to the Brethren of Aurelius, further establishing her brainy bona fides. At this point I am beginning to wonder just what the point is of the non-Buffy characters on the side of good. Especially since the end result of Giles's extra-duty explorations and such were that one random vamp was offed while The Anointed One gets united with The Master anyway. Arguably they are in even worse position than they would have been in if they had just let Buffy have her date in peace, as now they have been lulled into the all-too-common false sense of complacency, thinking that she offed The Anointed One when really he's lurking around.
15 It's possible that the show might come back to that well once or twice later in the run.
16 This number does not include Xander. Obviously.
17 Obviously, this doesn't apply to revealing your identity as The Slayer to random high school schmucks that you've known for almost a whole day at the time. I'm sure that Willow
18 I thought I told you to never mention him again!
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